You've developed a system. You rehearse what you're going to say before phone calls. You position yourself near the door at parties so you can leave quickly if needed. You check your appearance in every reflective surface to make sure you don't look anxious. You're doing these things to protect yourself from the worst happening - from people noticing you're nervous, from saying something stupid, from being judged.

These are called safety behaviours, and they're one of the main things that keep social anxiety going. They feel like they're helping in the moment, but they're actually reinforcing the idea that social situations are dangerous and that without these protective measures, something terrible would happen.

What's Actually Happening

Safety behaviours are things you do to try to prevent the feared outcome in a social situation. They're attempts to stay in control, to avoid humiliation, or to reduce the chance that people will notice you're anxious. Your brain sees them as essential survival strategies.

The problem is that they work too well - but only in the short term. They give you temporary relief because they make you feel like you're managing the threat. But they also prevent you from learning that the threat wasn't real in the first place.

If you rehearse every sentence before a presentation and it goes fine, your brain doesn't think "the presentation wasn't actually dangerous". It thinks "the rehearsing saved me". So next time, you rehearse again. The safety behaviour gets reinforced, and the anxiety stays locked in.

Over time, you become dependent on these behaviours. The idea of having a conversation without rehearsing what you'll say, or going to a party without positioning yourself near an exit, feels impossible. You're not just managing anxiety anymore - you're maintaining it.

Common Safety Behaviours (And What They're Trying to Prevent)

Safety behaviours look different for everyone, but some patterns show up again and again. Here are the most common ones:

Mental rehearsal and over-preparation

• Rehearsing what you'll say before phone calls, meetings, or conversations

• Writing out scripts for everyday interactions

• Spending hours preparing for something that should take minutes

• What it's trying to prevent: saying something stupid, freezing up, being caught off guard

The problem: you never learn that you can handle spontaneous conversation. You teach your brain that unrehearsed speech is dangerous.

Avoidance of eye contact

• Looking at the floor, your phone, or just past someone's shoulder during conversations

• Focusing on objects in the room rather than the person you're talking to

• What it's trying to prevent: people seeing your anxiety, feeling exposed, having to hold someone's gaze

The problem: avoiding eye contact makes you seem disengaged or uninterested, which can create the awkwardness you were trying to avoid. It also keeps you hyperaware of the fact that you're avoiding it.

Escape planning

• Always positioning yourself near exits at parties, meetings, or events

• Having an excuse ready for why you might need to leave suddenly

• Keeping your coat on so you can leave quickly

• Checking how long you've been somewhere and setting mental time limits

• What it's trying to prevent: being trapped in an unbearable situation, having a panic attack in front of people

The problem: planning your escape keeps you in "threat mode" the whole time. You're not actually present in the situation because part of your brain is monitoring the exit route.

Checking and monitoring

• Constantly checking your appearance in windows, phone screens, or mirrors

• Monitoring your face for signs of blushing or sweating

• Paying close attention to your voice to make sure it's not shaking

• Checking other people's faces for signs of judgement or disinterest

• What it's trying to prevent: looking visibly anxious, people noticing you're uncomfortable

The problem: the more you monitor yourself, the more self-conscious you feel. And ironically, most people don't notice the things you're checking for - but they might notice that you seem distracted or distant.

Over-apologising

• Apologising excessively ("sorry", "sorry to bother you", "sorry, that was a stupid question")

• Downplaying everything you say before you've even said it

• What it's trying to prevent: coming across as annoying, taking up too much space, being judged for speaking up

The problem: constant apologising signals to others (and to yourself) that you're doing something wrong just by existing. It reinforces the idea that your presence is an imposition.

Hiding behind roles or alcohol

• Only feeling comfortable socialising when you have a clear role (host, organiser, designated driver)

• Relying on alcohol to feel less anxious in social situations

• Always bringing a friend so you don't have to face things alone

• What it's trying to prevent: having to be yourself without a buffer, feeling exposed

The problem: you never learn that you can be okay in social situations as just yourself. The role or the alcohol becomes something you can't manage without.

Talking too much or too little

• Filling every silence with words to avoid awkwardness

• Staying completely silent to avoid saying something embarrassing

• Deflecting attention by asking lots of questions so you don't have to share anything about yourself

• What it's trying to prevent: awkward silences, saying the wrong thing, being judged

The problem: both extremes prevent natural conversation. You're either performing or hiding, never just being.

Seeking reassurance

• Asking friends "was I okay?" after every social interaction

• Checking in with people to make sure they're not annoyed with you

• Needing confirmation that you didn't embarrass yourself

• What it's trying to prevent: uncertainty, the fear that you messed up

The problem: reassurance feels good for about ten minutes, then the doubt comes back. You're teaching your brain that you can't trust your own judgement and that you need external validation to know if something went okay.

Using your phone as a shield

• Scrolling through your phone when you're standing alone at an event

• Texting someone who isn't there instead of talking to people who are

• Keeping earphones in to signal "don't talk to me"

• What it's trying to prevent: looking awkward or alone, having to initiate conversation

The problem: you're sending a signal that you're not open to interaction, which makes it less likely that anyone will approach you. That confirms your fear that you don't fit in, and the cycle continues.

Why They Feel So Necessary

Safety behaviours don't feel like choices. They feel like the only way you can survive social situations without falling apart completely. And in the early stages of working on social anxiety, they genuinely do help you get through things that would otherwise be unbearable.

The issue is that they prevent you from discovering that the situation wasn't as dangerous as you thought. Every time you use a safety behaviour and nothing bad happens, your brain credits the behaviour, not the fact that nothing bad was going to happen anyway.

If you always rehearse what you're going to say and conversations go fine, you don't think "conversations are fine". You think "rehearsing is essential". So the next time you're in a conversation, the idea of not rehearsing feels terrifying.

What Actually Helps

The CBT approach to safety behaviours is simple but uncomfortable: you gradually drop them and see what happens. Not all at once - that would be overwhelming. But one at a time, testing whether the feared outcome actually occurs.

This is called a behavioural experiment. The idea is to find out whether the safety behaviour is actually preventing disaster, or whether it's just maintaining anxiety.

For example:

• Instead of rehearsing before a phone call, make the call with just a rough idea of what you want to say

• Instead of avoiding eye contact, try holding it for two seconds longer than feels comfortable

• Instead of apologising constantly, notice the urge to say "sorry" and just... don't

• Instead of checking your reflection, go through a whole event without looking at yourself once

The prediction is usually something like "if I don't do this, I'll freeze up / people will think I'm weird / I'll embarrass myself". The experiment tests whether that's true.

Most of the time, it isn't. The conversation goes fine without rehearsal. People don't notice or care that you held eye contact. Nobody thinks you're rude for not apologising every three seconds. And the relief you feel - that temporary "oh, I got away with it" feeling - starts to shift into something more permanent: the realisation that you were never in danger in the first place.

How to Start Dropping Them

Pick one safety behaviour. Not your most relied-upon one - start with something that feels difficult but not impossible. Decide on a specific situation where you'll drop it, and notice what happens.

If you usually rehearse what you're going to say before speaking in meetings, try speaking spontaneously once. If you usually stand near the door at parties, try standing somewhere in the middle of the room for ten minutes. If you usually apologise before asking a question, just ask the question.

The discomfort is part of the process. Your anxiety will spike when you first drop a safety behaviour, because your brain genuinely believes it's essential. But if you can sit with that discomfort and see it through, you'll usually find that the feared outcome doesn't happen.

And when it doesn't, that's new information for your brain. Over time, repeated experiments like this help anxiety loosen its grip.

One Thing to Try

Think about the one safety behaviour you use most often. Not the scariest one to drop, just the most frequent. Maybe it's checking your phone when you're standing alone, or saying "sorry" before everything you say, or avoiding eye contact.

Next time you're in a situation where you'd normally use it, don't. Just once. Notice the urge, acknowledge it, and then do the thing without the safety behaviour. See what actually happens.

The goal isn't to be perfect or to never use safety behaviours again. The goal is to start testing whether you actually need them, or whether they're just keeping you stuck.

Frequently Asked Questions

Are all safety behaviours bad?

Not necessarily. In genuinely risky situations, precautions make sense. The problem is when you're using them in situations that aren't actually dangerous - everyday conversations, work meetings, social events. That's when they maintain anxiety rather than protect you.

What if dropping a safety behaviour makes my anxiety worse?

It will, at first. Your anxiety will spike because your brain thinks you've just removed something essential. But if you can tolerate that discomfort and stay in the situation, you'll usually find that the spike passes and nothing bad actually happens. That's the learning.

Can I drop all my safety behaviours at once?

You could, but it would be overwhelming and you'd be less likely to stick with it. It's better to drop them gradually - one at a time, in manageable situations - so you're building evidence that you can cope without them.

Will I ever not need any safety behaviours?

Most people find that as they work on social anxiety, the safety behaviours naturally become less necessary. You might still use them occasionally in high-stakes situations, but they stop being something you depend on just to get through everyday life.

Safety behaviours are understandable. They're your brain's attempt to keep you safe. But they're also what keep social anxiety locked in place. Dropping them feels risky, but it's one of the most effective ways to teach your nervous system that social situations aren't the threat it thinks they are. If you're working on this and want to be around people who understand how hard it is, WalkTheTalk meets every Monday at 8pm online. It's a low-stakes space where you don't have to perform, and where most people are also trying to figure out which safety behaviours they're ready to let go of.